Did I Ask For Fries?

If today was exactly 2 months in the future, I would be waking up with a huge burden lifted off my head. For better or for worse, the barrier exam will be over. Pass or fail, I won’t have to deal with not being able to fall asleep before 1am, with not waking up 5 times during the night dreaming about uni, about summaries, lectures and learning topics, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able towake up before 9am and feel like a functional member of the human race before midday.

I so can’t wait.

I have never, ever felt stress like this before. Two months away from any other exam it wouldn’t even be on my radar of things to care about. But this exam is different. Over two days we will be examined in minute detail on everything we have learnt both last year and this year. Two multiple choice papers, 2 short answer papers and 2 essays (I think!) to write. Failing this exam means you need to resit it in January, and if you fail that too then you have to repeat this year.

Every week we do a different problem. Including this week we have done 58 problems, and we’ll continue to do one a week up until 2 weeks before the exam. My summary of each week’s problem is around 30 pages. 1740 pages so far (and growing weekly). That’s an unfathomable amount of stuff to revise between then and now. I don’t know if my poor brain can handle it.

My body knows I’m feeling the stress too. As I’ve already said, I can’t sleep. To make up for that I have to pump myself with increasing amounts of caffeine in the morning in order to force myself out of the house. My skin is breaking out. My period was a week late and uberpainful, and I think I officially had my first migraine ever on Thursday night.

I just want it all to be over.

I know I’m not alone, because every other person in my class feels the same. It’s comforting to know that, but in some ways its not enough.

I went to the doctor the other day. The first time in my life I have ever gone to a GP for anything other than a physical problem. I came away with 5 printed out pages on tips for getting a good nights sleep, a recommendation to see a counsellor, and feeling complete invalidation of the distress my current emotional state is causing me.

With my body in its current state I am kind of scared about the City to surf tomorrow. On Thursday afternoon I did the 7km bay run, which was surprisingly fine. I did it in 45mins, so it was no record breaker, but all I got was one blister and 2 days later I’m still not sore.

Unfortunately yesterday I developed a sore throat, and today my lymph nodes are up as well, so as you can tell I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now. I’m supposed to go to the city to surf bloggers dinner tonight. I was already apprehensive enough about going and meeting a whole bunch of people I don’t know (hello insecurities) but feeling this crud and stressed, I am even more inclined to be a coward and not go. I know I’ll regret it if I don’t, so we’ll see.

I have to dash to netball right now. That will either kill me, or cheer me up I reckon.